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Jokes & Quotes | ||
SPEEDING:Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
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OLD JOKES & QUOTES
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Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
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JOKES
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. Mark Petersen |
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QUOTE
Money and success don't change people; they merely amplify what is already there. Will Smith |
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JOKE
Twas the night before Christmas many (many) years ago and Santa was having a terrible night. His sleigh had broken down, the ground crew did not have the parts to finish the repair and were telling Him that they probably would not get Him off the ground before midnight. To compound his frustration, He had two reindeer down with hoof and mouth disease, the toymaker elves were on a slowdown strike to protest the long hours and poor working conditions, The new suit Mrs Claus had knit for him had a fresh rip in the pants and she had just finished chewing him out for his carelessness, *and* as he checked his pockets, he realized that he had lost his list of who had been naughty and nice. At that very moment, an adorable little angel came bursting through the door and in an adorable and incredibly cheerful voice, said "Santa, Santa, I have the Christmas Tree that you wanted, What do you want me to do with it...?" And that, boys and girls is how the old tradition of an angel sitting on the point of a christmas tree came to pass. Mark (you know - an old smile of the week!) |
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JOKE
So this sailor met a pirate in a bar, and the sailor couldn't help but notice that the pirate was pretty badly the worse for wear. He had a peg leg, and a hook, and an eye patch. So the sailor asked the pirate how he got the peg leg and the pirate answered, "Well, matey, I got washed over board one night while we was in a fierce storm. An dern me if a shark didn't go and bite off me leg." Then the sailor asked, "So how'd you get the hook?" And the pirate answered, "Well, we was in a fierce fight while boarding a ship one time, and that's when I got me hand cut off." Finally, the sailor asked, "So how'd you get the eye patch?" And the pirate responded, "A seagull pooped in me eye." To which the sailor replied, "You mean to tell me you lost an eye just because a seagull pooped in it?" Sheepishly the pirate responded, "Well, it was the first day I had the hook." Anon |
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QUOTE
You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to loose sight of the shore. |
Thanks to Ashley
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These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men in the really cute robes, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. |
Thanks to DM
The headmaster was walking up the corridor when he spotted a boy outside a classroom...."Why are you not in class boy?" he asked "please sir, they are all crazy in there" said the boy "why are they all crazy BOY ?" "well, I was in there a few minutes ago and farted a real stinker and the teacher sent me out here" "so why are they crazy BOY?" "well, they are all STILL in there!" |
Thanks to Vincent Cox
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